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...............NO!.........I don't want to come over Saturday and watch "the big game" on your new big screen TV Max! You're a crook!.... .... ..yeah, A CROOK!...........what?..........no......no...........yeah but....... ... ......I know but there's.......You are so freakin cheap Max. Did you bother to listen to StickerNewz the other da...............what? You listened to it and were surprised and proud that you won the TV? Good Max, I see you really got the message. When you were born did your mother happen to sell you for a couple hits of cocaine or something?.............. No, no I'm not saying anything bad about your mother! Max you are brain dead (click).

Idiot. Anyway folks welcome to the WeddingNewz report for March 7th 2005. I want to take a journey back in time and see if we can discover some vital information on Wedding Invitations. Remember what has been considered the first miracle Jesus performed in his ministry. Right, changing water into wine at the Marriage in Cana. The writer didn't detail any of the pre-wedding circumstances in the Epistle. But the Book of Mormons took care of that. In that book we can read about the situations and events leading up to the marriage in Cana. The names of the happy couple were Ida Steinberg and Acchmed Leibowitz. They had been going together for eleven years. Acchmed was a Pharisaic Rabbi Student at Tel Aviv University. Ida was a bookkeeper at the Court of the Gentiles in Jerusalem. She was in charge of tax collection on doves and pigeons.

Ida's mother Lucille loved Acchmed very much and was proud to have him as a future son-in-law. When Acchmed proposed to Ida in August of 29 Lucille was overjoyed. She proclaimed to the couple that she would take care of all the wedding arrangements from the food to the cheap wine. One night while Lucille was sitting in the living room contemplating the wedding she wondered just who should be expected at the event. She made a huge mental list of all the people who should attend. But how would they know about the marriage, she asked herself. Lucille's husband Larry, an archaeologist from Qatar did carpentry on the side. She told him that she needed him to create on balsa wood engraved notices of the wedding. She would need 2,000 of them. Larry gazed at her with a look that cannot be described here. He then went to the task. Two and a half years later Larry emerged from his workroom with the gigantic project finished. Ida looked at one invitation and noticed that Larry had misspelled Acchmed. She looked at Larry then back at the invitation then at Larry then back at the invitation then at Larry then back at the invitation and with clarity of thought felt it best to keep her big fat trap shut. Problem solved.

Late in the year of 31 Lucille hired an errand boy, Trinidad, to deliver all 2,000 wooden Wedding Invitations to the list she had given him. Six months later Trinidad emerged from his home and informed Lucille that the task was completed. She thanked him and gave him the agreed upon 12 shekels. Trinidad turned to leave mumbling under his breath "Now I can get that surgery for grandma".

I believe that you can see the relevance of our history lesson today. These 2,000 wooden engraved wedding invitations might not have been the first done in history but they were certainly the stupidest. But that's not the issue here. What is the issue here you ask. I'll tell you what the issue here is. The issue here is that, no matter how much time and effort it takes to produce wedding invitations, never get involved in a project with a woman like Lucille.

Thanks for your time and I hope you learned just a bit about the history of wedding equipment. Until next time I'm

Preston W. Howsley